Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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