Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
