Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
