tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
