when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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