i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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