I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Randomize
