6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
