So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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