We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
if i can run in heels then i can drive
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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