Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
