I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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