can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
