Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
