I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize