chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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