He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
