Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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