When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize