when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
