I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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