youre lurking in front of me
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
