Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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