I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
