In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
