This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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