made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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