I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize