GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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