Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
God I need to hump something, right now.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
