We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
