the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
