That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
And then my night got REAL pukey
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
