I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
