So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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