pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize