Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
