I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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