So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
