did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We were destined to go to rehab together
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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