When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
