Can i not drive my cunt home
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
