I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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