I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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