Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
