I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
