i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The uberlube is also flammable
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
