i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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