So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
