mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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