im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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