She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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