sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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