It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
