i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
