I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
