I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
