I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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