I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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