"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
