What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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