I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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