i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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