i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
