It was confusing and full of hummus
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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