I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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