Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize