i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
