Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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