First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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