I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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