My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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