All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
