I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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