I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
