There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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